The Amazing, Wild Ride of the George Bush Pumpkin
A priceless (it’s being sent to you for free) and sad story about deception,
mayhem and idleness against the backdrop of abandoned hopes and lost dreams.
In short, an everyman’s tale, but told with utter disrespect for the man
in the Oval Office. Did I mention the robot?
By Kathy Luttkus
When
we first saw the George Bush pumpkin, he was eagerly waiting on the front lawn
of a Milwaukee resident for a passer by to pick him up and take him back to
friendlier territory. George was disheartened by polls citing low approval ratings
in this “blue” state. Initially, he took pleasure in the local landscape
while hitching his ride, admiring the geese that flew overhead and the stunning
fall color. He would snicker and snort at the occasional bird that would perch
on his outstretched arm, and the squirrels that would scamper below.
But no one gave George a lift, for fear he would make them listen to his bootleg
Clint Black Live cassette.
More than a month later, the thrill was definitely gone, and George was blue.
He developed a pirate-like snow patch on his eye and was unhappy about rumors
he heard of a long, cold Wisconsin winter. George worried about his dry, hacking
cough and sore throat. Unfortunately, he could not get a flu shot due to the
shortage, and had to alleviate his nagging influenza by sucking on the neighbor's
Staghorn Sumac tree (for its nutritious Vitamin C).
Sadly, the Sumac remedy didn’t work. The continued lack of available flu
vaccine left George with no alternative but to sneak into a 24-hour drug store
in the middle of the night and steal the anti-viral medication, Amantadine.
A security guard witnessed the theft and called police. Because Wisconsin has
one of the strictest truth-in-sentencing laws (George himself a proponent of
rigorous enforcement), George the pumpkin served every day of his 30-day sentence
in the Milwaukee County Jail.
Adding to his problems, despite the FDA’s assurances to him that Amantadine
was safe (due to extensive testing by the drug company over a 10-day period),
George soon experienced falls, dizziness and psychoses, as well as increased
confusion. Then something very, very bad happened.George’s inability to
coordinate his muscle movements, combined with unseasonably warm January temperatures
in the Midwest (due to global warming?), proved disastrous for pumpkin George.
George said U.S. interests were more important than signing the Kyoto Treaty,
but cabinet members now expressed fears the U.S. president would not be able
to continue his work due to literally “losing his head.”
Laura Bush was amused by George’s predicament, and carried
him along on speaking engagements. With higher approval ratings than her husband,
the White House was content to let Laura do the campaigning on behalf of her
hot-headed, dim-witted cowboy.
During one rally, perhaps intimating something about her spouse, she said, “I
can’t stand politicians who only run around like headless chickens and
act like talking heads.”The situation did not look good for George the
pumpkin. He had to do something drastic, and fast. He called the man he relies
on most to get him out of tight spots – Dick Cheney. Dick listened to
George’s sordid tale of how he was stuck in Milwaukee… how Wisconsin
voters asked him to go home to Crawford… how while waiting for a ride
he became ill, how his head rot, even worse - how it fell off. George expressed
doubt he would be able to continue as president. Dick came up with a cunning
plan.
“George,” said Dick, “American machine operators, security
guards, landscapers, trash collectors, even hotel clerks have lost their jobs
to robotics… why not the president?”
Dick immediately contacted the creator of the Bush II programmable robot - the
most advanced human computer available. The computer designer reminded Dick
that his new creation was certainly not human, programmed to be devoid of empathy,
logic and common sense, but a worthy machine nonetheless, and under the control
of a master, programmed to carry out God-knows-what for the benefit of God-knows-who
at the expense of you-know-very-well-who.
Dick phoned back George – who was waiting patiently on a park bench –
and told him of the plan. “George,” Dick pleaded, “for the
good of the billionaires, huge corporations and multinationals, you have to
go along with my scheme.”
And, here he is, folks. The new, programmable George Bush.
He brings skills and an ability to entertain that you’ll find nowhere
else. And he is, by chat-box standards, really smart. Sure to impress even so-called
French snobs.
The improved George includes a sizable vocabulary of 99,000 unique definitions
and 120,000 words and small-word groups. The new George also has knowledge of
classic books on philosophy, history, adventure, drama, along with thousands
of Convuns (conversational units), that include trivia, jokes, poems, anecdotes,
limericks, fables, quotes, maxims, and tongue-twisters.
In a millisecond, the robotic George uses web services to retrieve changing
information on weather, stock prices, and currency exchange rates, along with
the CIA World Factbook. Plus, the new robotic version of the President possesses
some skills that the real W could only dream to have: he's an excellent chess
player and enjoys interpreting the I Ching.
So that no one – the astute and apathetic alike – guesses the “swap”
that occurred, here’s the real icing on the cake: the new George still
uses the folksy, badly mangled grammar often spoken by the real-life GWB.
Best of all, George comes complete with that recognizable “aw-shucks”
persona that Americans love and adore.
This appears to be the end of the story, because unlike most run-of-the-mill
chat-boxes, the new and improved George has things to do: he's got a country
to run, important places to go, and wars to launch.
And what happened to George the pumpkin?
Teresa Heinz Kerry's Pumpkin Spice Cookies
1 cup (2 sticks) butter, at room temperature
1 cup sugar
1 egg
1 cup pumpkin puree (directly from pumpkin - do not use canned pumpkin)
1 teaspoon vanilla
2 cups all-purpose flour
1 teaspoon baking powder
1/2 teaspoon salt
1 teaspoon cinnamon
1/2 teaspoon allspice
1 cup chopped walnuts
1 cup raisins
Heat oven to 375 degrees.
With electric mixer, cream butter and sugar. Beat in egg, pumpkin and vanilla.
Sift together flour, baking powder, salt, cinnamon and allspice. Stir into pumpkin
mixture. Stir in chopped walnuts and raisins. Drop by tablespoonfuls onto a
well-greased cookie sheet and bake at 375 degrees for 12 to 15 minutes, until
golden on edges. Makes about five dozen cookies.
Story & Picture © Kathy Luttkus 2004, 2005
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